Real Stories

All the women* in these stories are victims of intimate partner violence and abuse. Each story will highlight a specific aspect of an abusive relationship. These stories demonstrate that abuse crosses all socio-economic and cultural lines. The abuse that will be described includes:

• Isolation
• Economic abuse
• Intimidation
• Use of children to control
• Emotional abuse
• Threats

If any of these stories sound familiar to you, please reach out for support and guidance by call the Victoria Women’s Transition House Crisis and Information line at 250-385-6611.

*Please note, names have been changed for confidentiality.

• Kat’s Story

  “My name is Kat*. I met my boyfriend M.* when I was 17. My mom had just died, and I was at a very vulnerable point in my life. I grew up in an alcoholic family. M. didn’t drink and he seemed to really care for me. He had a good job and said he could look after me. So, I moved out of my family home into his apartment. Looking back, I realize that the abuse started slowly with what I now know, was psychological and emotional abuse. This only got worse.

  “He used insults, putdowns, name-calling, control and isolating me from my friends and siblings. When I resisted some of his abuse, he said I was “acting out” and he blamed it on the trauma from my childhood and said that I was mentally unstable. After a while, I couldn’t focus at work I was so upset. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t organize my thoughts. Eventually I was fired. M. seemed happy about this and said that it only confirmed what he thought; that I wasn’t stable enough to hold down a job. I felt crushed.”

  Kat became pregnant after four months and she was excited by the prospect of becoming a mother. This is when the physical abuse started. After one serious assault, she miscarried, was rushed to the hospital, and told the hospital staff that she fell down the stairs. At home, her partner was apologetic, loving, and remorseful, with promises to change. Kat wanted to believe him, but deep down felt that she deserved the abuse.

  “I was sick and depressed and couldn’t work for almost two years, barely able to take care of my basic needs. I started to believe that M. was right, that I was mentally ill and couldn’t even take care of myself.”

  The physical violence continued and on the last trip to the emergency room, Kat told the doctor about the abuse, and he called the police. M. was in the hospital waiting room and even though the police were there, Kat was scared. So, she didn’t tell the officers the full story about the abuse. But the police still had enough evidence to arrest M.

  “The police helped me get to a friend’s house and got me connected to the Victoria Women’s Transition House and a program called the Spousal Assault Victim Support Program (SAVSP). I was relieved to meet with a spousal assault victim support worker that day.

  “The SAVS worker was so kind and helpful. She helped me make a safety plan and with assistance from court, a no-contact order was put in place so that M. could not get close to me. This made me feel a bit more secure. She explained what I could expect through the criminal justice system and that I would be kept informed of what was going on, every step of the way. It felt good to understand about the process. It helped me feel a bit more in control.”

  Later, the SAVS worker went with Kat to the police station. There, with her support, Kat had the courage to make a video statement outlining the years of abuse. She was connected to the Crime Victim Assistance program and was able to access counselling with a trauma therapist.

  Kat’s partner pleaded not guilty to all the charges and a trial was booked. Kat admitted she was terrified about seeing him in court, but the Transition House spousal assault victim support worker was there with her, offering the support she needed. Despite her doubts that she could do it, in the courtroom Kat stood up before her perpetrator and read her powerful Victim Impact Statement. With her strong testimony, he was convicted.

  Reflecting on her journey, Kat shares: “I finally feel safe. I have joined a support group at Victoria Women’s Transition House with women that have some of the same experiences as I did with violence and abuse. Everyone is supportive and understanding. And I know that I can get help from a counsellor when I need it. I am so grateful to Transition House.”

• Rose’s Story

  My name is Rose*. I have a long history of experiencing violence and abuse and was married for nearly 30 years. Before approaching Victoria Women’s Transition House, I never had counselling. I learned to live with my husband’s controlling behaviours and tried to avoid situations that I knew would set him off. In counselling, I described to my counsellor the abuse I experienced on a regular basis. What I learned was called emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and financial abuse – threatening, shaming, belittling and controlling me; calling me names and criticizing me; and not giving me access to any money from our bank account –money that I earned in a job that I loved.  This abuse only got worse when I was diagnosed with an illness.

  I also admitted to my counsellor that I used substances as a form of self-medication to help me cope with the abuse at home. I wasn’t proud of this substance use but at the time, felt I didn’t have any other way of dealing with the situation. I was just trying to survive.

  I had a full-time job and enjoyed working. I also had a community of friends I felt connected to and supported by and was devastated when I had to leave my position, due to the complex nature of what I was facing.

  In counselling, I felt heard and I learned to identify my feelings and find ways to meet my needs and find hope. I also participated in other really helpful VWTH programs. And I met other women who had similar challenges and I felt supported and less isolated. I also started volunteering in the community, using my professional skills to help out.

  Now that I’ve had some counselling and support from the Transition House counsellors, I feel like I have a better understanding of abuse and I have coping strategies for triggers as I continues to heal. I almost feel ready to re-enter the workforce and, thanks to Victoria Women’s Transition House and the Stopping the Violence program and counselling, I feel confident that I can address many of the challenges I was facing. I’m on a new path and I’ve learned that every day is an opportunity for a new beginning.

• Gina’s Story

  It was December 20^th, late in the evening and the Victoria Women’s Transition House Crisis Line was ringing. Margot*, our crisis line Support Worker, picked up the phone.

  The woman on the other end of the phone said her name was Gina*. She sounded frantic and upset. She began to quickly disclose that she has been married to her partner for ten years and with him for almost five years before that. She faced her partner’s abuse throughout the whole relationship but since having their third child six months ago, the abuse had increased in frequency and severity. And with the pressures of the Holidays, the abuse had become worse. She was considering waiting until January to reach out for help, but she felt she couldn’t take it anymore.

  After listening to Gina for a few minutes, Margot realized she needed support to know that she was being heard and so that she could get more information to determine her immediate safety.

  Margot encouraged Gina to slow down, take a deep breath and understand that I was there for her. After a few minutes, Gina sounded calmer and began to talk about what brought her to call. Margot learned that she was calling from home and that her abuser was currently out of the house. She let her know that if her abuser returned, she should end the call and call back again when it was safe. She also asked Gina if she felt comfortable calling the police should things escalate, and she said that she did.

  Gina would like to leave her relationship but is fearful of how this would impact her and her young children – emotionally, financially and practically. She felt very worried and uncertain. Where would she live? How would she support herself and her kids? Her partner has been the primary financial supporter of this family. Gina expressed how conflicted she felt asking for help.

  Margot assured Gina that her feelings were valid and that resources are available to help: the VWTH Emergency Shelter, Housing Support Worker, Stopping the Violence counselling and Family Law Advocate. And for her children, the help of our PEACE/Children Who Witness Abuse counsellors and lots of other supports. She could hear the relief in Gina’s voice.

  They talked about Gina’s safety plan and safe exit plan. The most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is when she decides to leave. Her partner may feel he has nothing to lose and may lash out at her and her children–often with violence.

  Then they talked about Gina putting together a ‘grab and go’ bag; about her contacting a trusted friend or family member to store the bag with her medical and other important documents; calling police if needed; turning off all GPS location settings on her phone; and making arrangements for transportation to bring her and the children to the Shelter, when the time was right.

  At the end of the call, Gina said she felt more confident with her next steps and the available supports and resources. She now knows that she can call the Crisis Line at any time. Margot emphasized that we are here for her and her children and will welcome them and support them, whenever she makes the decision to leave.

• Taylor’s Story

  Taylor* came to the VWTH emergency shelter accompanied by police. That night, she called 911 because her violent partner threatened to kill her and she thought he would do it. The police arrived on the scene, and after taking her statement, contacted the VWTH Shelter to see if there was any space. Then, they drove Taylor and her young son to the Shelter for safety where they could stay for up to 30 days and receive counselling and support.

  Taylor was a single mom to a little boy, Ryan. She had been through a lot in her young life. She arrived in Victoria from another community and found a new job. Unfortunately, the job did not pay a lot and was demanding. The city was expensive, and she lacked the supports of family and friends to help with Ryan. Her life was stressful and she had little confidence in herself.

  One day, she met David who was an acquaintance from her past. It was great to reconnect with someone familiar at a time when she felt so lost and alone. He was charming, handsome, and attentive to both Taylor and her son. Very quickly, Taylor and David began dating.

  For a young woman in a new city with a new job and a young son, David seemed a blessing. He helped with Ryan, bought them both gifts and treated them to delicious take-out dinners from restaurants Taylor could never afford. After a few months together, David invited Taylor and Ryan to move in with him. Taylor was thrilled. She felt safe and cared for.  She boasted on social media about her wonderful new life and her handsome new partner. Friends and family back home were happy for her.

  Once the three of them were living together, things started to change very quickly. David challenged her on everything she said and did. He installed a GPS on her phone, telling her “in case it ever gets lost.” This way he always knew where she was, but he also wanted to know with whom. He was jealous when there no reason to be jealous. He became critical of the way she dressed “too provocative,” the books she read, “too lightweight” and even her parenting, “Ryan needs more discipline.” His controlling and demanding behaviour increased.

  When Taylor tried to stand up for herself and her son, the arguments escalated. Often, David’s verbal abuse resulted in a blowout, with Taylor in tears and her partner punching the walls and throwing things. Ryan was constantly terrified. After a few hours or a day or so of the silent treatment, David would inevitably apologize. He became loving and attentive again, begging her forgiveness. He seemed so sincere and she was so confused that she forgave him every time. A few weeks would pass and the whole cycle would start again.

  Taylor no longer felt safe. She knew she had to get herself and Ryan out, but she was embarrassed that her life had turned out this way, especially after telling everyone about wonderful David. In addition, where would she go? With COVID and her limited social bubble, Taylor felt trapped.  It took all her strength to call the police and get herself and Ryan to safety. This was a new start.

• Doris’ Story

  Doris* is 77. She called Victoria Women’s Transition House after reading an article in the newspaper about the Older Women’s expressive arts program for survivors of domestic violence and abuse. She was unhappy in her marriage, but she never thought that what she experienced from her husband was abuse. When she read about a woman who had a background similar to hers, she thought, “That’s me,” and decided to reach out for support.

  Doris married young to get out of her small town and escape an unhappy home where her parents fought constantly. At first, life was wonderful. Doris and her husband were in love and excited to start life together. But things were challenging. Money was tight, and keeping the household running and working hard to make ends meet meant that neither Doris nor her husband had the time or energy to meet new friends. They had four children in quick succession.

  It was soon after their first child was born that Doris discovered her husband’s temper. At work and at home he lost his cool and lashed out. He had continuous conflicts with coworkers and eventually he was fired – a pattern that repeated itself, over and over again. At home, he took his frustrations out on Doris and the children. He was moody and controlling and started to become physical with Doris. Back then, domestic abuse was considered a private, family matter. Doris had no income, no community connections and nowhere to go, so she endured the abuse and never told anyone about what was happening at home. As each of the children grew older and graduated from high school, they left home and moved to another community. Doris was alone with her husband and continued to endure his abuse quietly for many more years until he passed away.

  Reading the newspaper article about Expressive Art for abused women, changed Doris’ world.  She contacted VWTH and worked with a counsellor to help understand that it was not her fault for the abuse. She also realized her many strengths. Doris reconnected with her children, met her grandchildren for the first time and moved forward with her life.

• Maria’s Story

  Maria* and her 4-year-old daughter, Sophía*, initially fled a physically, financially, and verbally abusive partner shortly after immigrating to Canada. Her partner physically assaulted Maria and police were involved, but no charges were laid because she was unable to give a statement due to the language barrier.

  Maria and Sophía came to our Emergency Shelter where our counsellors were able to advocate and arrange weekly translation services for Maria, so that staff could support her and connect Maria with legal representation and trauma counselling in her own language.

  When Maria first arrived, she had no community or support network as her ex-partner was extremely controlling. The VWTH shelter program provided Maria with a new smartphone and a free 6-month plan offered by a telecommunications company. With the help of the counsellors, Maria was able to set-up her own bank account and apply for income assistance, securing income for her and her daughter.

  During her stay at the Shelter, Maria and Sophía made social and community connections, despite the language barrier. Watching Maria’s daughter and the other children play, highlighted how fundamental human connection is during times of stress and transition, even if verbal communication is not available.

  Housing was one of the largest obstacles for Maria. VWTH counsellors advocated for her during her housing search on all levels, and in the end, Maria secured private market housing and a modest apartment for her and her daughter. As well, she received a VWTH Homeless Prevention Program subsidy and a voucher to purchase needed household supplies and clothing at a local thrift store. When Maria left the Shelter, she had wrap-around supports in the community from VWTH and other organizations, fostering a safe environment for her and Sophía to start their new life.

• Jamie’s Story

  Jamie* came to Victoria Women’s Transition House for counselling after being referred by a friend who previously accessed our Stopping the Violence counselling services.

  Jamie was in a seven-year relationship and knew she had to get out. She was experiencing emotional and financial abuse. Her self-esteem was shattered and she felt constantly controlled by an overbearing and distrustful partner. She wanted to end the relationship but worried about being alone and was not sure she could manage on her own.

  As VWTH counselling sessions progressed, Jamie shared her history of trauma and neglect she experienced as a child. She believed this influenced both her current and past intimate relationships, as well as her relationships with her adult children. Jamie focused on boundary setting, grounding, containment and an overall understanding of the cycle of abuse, which led to her feeling less “stuck” in her relationship.

  Over time, Jamie worked to mend her connections with her children, who were supportive of her leaving her partner and offered their perspective on the unhealthy dynamic she was in with him.

  With the continued support of her children and the knowledge and strategies she learned through counselling, Jamie was able to disconnect from the unhealthy relationship. She now has her own place and has limited contact with her ex-partner. Jamie continues to heal by accessing groups and services both within VWTH and in the broader community.

• Sonja’s Story

  Sonja* moved to Canada five years ago to start a new life. She met Bryan at university and they began a relationship. Sonja had dyslexia and Bryan offered to help her with her classes and navigate her through the Canadian way of life.

  Slowly, the relationship changed. Bryan would tell Sonja that because of her dyslexia, she would never be able to finish her studies. He also used her dyslexia as a reason to handle all of her finances. Even though she managed all of this on her own before, Sonja began to doubt herself.

  Bryan frequently asked for loans, saying he would pay her back. Sometimes he took money without asking. Soon almost all Sonja’s savings was gone. She needed to quit school and work two jobs to make ends meet. When she finally got the courage to ask for her money back, Bryan became furious and refused. He threatened to kill her if she told anyone. Sonja was terrified.

  “I was scared and didn’t know what to do, so I phoned the Victoria Women’s Transition House Crisis Line. They referred me to one of their services called the Spousal Assault Victim Support Program (SAVSP). I was embarrassed that I had lost all my money; that I had allowed my partner to take advantage of me like that. But the worker I talked to was really kind. She didn’t judge me. She told me that what Bryan was doing was against the law and that I was experiencing emotional and financial abuse.

  “Even though I was afraid, with the worker’s support, I decided to go to the police. After I made my statement, the police said they had enough evidence to arrest Bryan for the threats on my life, but it would be very difficult to prove that the loss of my money was a crime. After all, we were in a relationship and I let him have access to my bank accounts. There was nothing written down saying that the money he took was a loan.

  “Bryan was arrested and charged with threats. I was so relieved and grateful for the protection order that was put in place. I could not afford to move but I needed to add extra security for my safety. The Transition House support worker helped me get my locks changed on my doors and windows and a camera system installed through the Crime Victim Assistance program. I felt much safer.

  “Then, I started to receive letters about loan repayments and credit card bills in my name. I did not apply for these! I contacted my victim support worker and she said that this might be the proof the police needed. We went back to the police station together with all the documents and made another report. Police now had enough evidence to arrest and charge Bryan with bank fraud.

  “With support, I was able to write a victim impact statement. I wrote out how all the financial losses affected me: How I had to quit school, felt I had no control, was terrified of the future. I filed for repayment of the funds and the judge gave me legal restitution. Bryan was ordered to pay back all the money he owed.

  “Over time, I was able to quit one of my jobs and get back in school. Slowly, my life is coming back together. I am so thankful for the Spousal Assault Victim Support program and for the worker who helped me along the way. I can’t imagine how my life would be if I had not contacted Transition House.”

• M’s Story

  In the eyes of the community, M*, age 55, was the picture of success: attractive, living in a lovely home, a gregarious husband. But behind closed doors, M’s life was misery. Her partner was controlling of her activities and finances. The constant verbal attacks felt worse than the hits. She always felt like she was walking on eggshells. Nothing she did seemed to be good enough. Somehow he always made her feel that she was the source of their problems. When she was younger, she had thought of leaving, but was uncertain about how that would be for the children. Now that her son and daughter are adults, they are mirroring what they had been exposed to. Their angry put-downs make her feel hurt and humiliated.

  She had clipped an article from the newspaper about a woman, age 60, who had lived with abuse and had been to Victoria Women’s Transition House Society (VWTHS) programs and was now living happily on her own. She had re-read the article dozens of times. It seemed that this woman’s experiences were much like her own. It was somehow affirming that she wasn’t the only one who had experienced abuse at the hands of loved ones.

  She had picked up the phone to call the Crisis Line several times, but put it down. One time she did call, only to hang up quickly when she heard a voice. But one night her husband had been so cruel in his comments that she felt a desperate need to talk and she called. The counsellor treated her with respect and affirmed this was verbal abuse and it was very damaging to self-esteem. The counsellor explained the potential danger she was in. M didn’t feel ready to leave, but she learned that she could call the Crisis Line any time she needed to, attend individual counselling and participate in a support and education group through VWTH.

  One night her husband attacked her in a rage, shouting and striking her hard. The rest of the evening was a blur of flashing lights, police, and being taken to the hospital. After she was treated by hospital staff, M decided to call Transition House to arrange for safe shelter.

  The counsellor was at the door to greet her when she arrived. Her tears flowed, releasing years of tension. The counsellor made tea and they sat and talked. Her time at the Shelter was memorable; she met other women who had similar experiences and they would talk late into the night. Sleeping was difficult; there was so much to think about and it seemed at night her mind raced with fears of being on her own. A counsellor was always available to lend a listening ear and help her find her way through the myriad of questions and concerns. Where was she going to get money? Where would she live? She had never been to a lawyer – what did she need to do? Would it be easier to just return home? She felt so emotionally fragile and confused and now wonders where she would be if she had not had the help of the VWTH staff and volunteers. She remembers the relief she felt when the outreach worker helped her find a lovely apartment in a seniors complex.

  M found tremendous support from other women in the VWTH support group for seniors. Each week she learned tools that helped her slowly rebuild her life. She went through the Bridges for Women program and is now working. She feels fully alive now and is grateful to VWTH.

  Her biggest regret is that her children were exposed to violence. As part of her healing she has chosen to volunteer at the VWTH Children who Witness Abuse Program. She speaks to community groups and is an enthusiastic advocate of VWTH programs.

• Kate’s Story

  Only a month prior to Kate* moving into our third stage housing facility, her situation had been desperate. She had left an abusive relationship in another province three years before. “It was the first time I had tasted freedom,” Kate says. But then the stress of dealing with her ex-partner and working three jobs to make ends meet affected her health, and she couldn’t work anymore. She moved to Campbell River to stay with her sister, but the house was being sold and she was soon going to have to move on. There was no subsidized housing for people in her situation.

  The turnaround began with a single question from the only outreach worker who responded to Kate out of the long list of services included in the Income Assistance application package: Would Kate be willing to relocate? Kate said she was.

  The worker got back to her with more information. Kate met the three criteria for becoming a resident at the VWTH Third Stage Housing: she was between 45 and 65, she had left an abusive relationship, and she was starting over.

  When the first residents of the VWTH Third Stage Housing celebrated their first anniversary of moving into the facility, Kate had a lot to celebrate. Her medical condition has been properly diagnosed and she now receives a disability pension. She has a part-time job as a nanny and volunteers at a local seniors home.

  “I feel like my life is just starting,” says Kate. “But I’ve had a lot of help – especially from Transition House and the staff at the VWTH Third Stage Housing. I really don’t know what I would have done if I hadn’t found this place.”

  Above all, the VWTH Third Stage Housing is safe. It provides a sense of belonging, of being among familiar faces; it’s a comfort zone. “We are all here for the same reason,” Kate says, “so we have a lot in common.”

  The camaraderie is uplifting. “We all respect each other and hold each other in the highest regard,” she adds. “We’re depressed and down when we arrive here, but we soon recognize that things really aren’t so bad after all.” When her three years at the VWTH Third Stage Housing are finished, Kate knows she will be ready to move on with confidence.

  Kate believes that the VWTH Third Stage Housing is important for the community as a whole and not just because there are few or no other services available for women in this age group who are working to start over in the face of a range of personal challenges. “Supporting women like me who otherwise have no opportunities gives us a second chance,” Kate says. “It gives us a chance to give back to the community and that benefits everyone in the community.”