Victoria Women's Transition House

Stages of an abusive relationship

An abusive relationship goes through three general cycles each with its own characteristics. Women find that their reactions to the stages range from fear or anger to depression or denial.

Tension Building Stage (tension build-up)

• verbal assault; insults, putdowns, accusations
• controlling or interrogation techniques
• minor battering incidents may occur
• she may try to calm him down or second guess his next move
• abused woman becomes more passive while the abuser becomes more oppressive
• she may blame herself for not being able to control the situation
• the tension becomes unbearable

Acute Battering Stage (violent episode)

• tension explodes into some form of violence
• the man wants to teach the woman a lesson, not necessarily inflict injury
• incident is usually triggered by an external or internal factor in the man's life, however, one situation causes the anger. It is the batterer's perception of the situation which causes a violent episode. It is common for men to blame alcohol or overwork, however these are only triggers, not the cause
• it is during this stage that the woman is most likely to be physically hurt
• suicidal incidents or homicide will occur during this stage
• the batter will only stop once he thinks the woman has learned a lesson
• the woman's only option is to find a safe place to hide
• only the batterer can end this phase
• it is after this stage that the woman is most likely to leave

Honeymoon Stage (period of attraction)

• unusual period of calm
• abuser feels shame/guilt; the woman feels guilt/relief
• abuser often becomes kind, loving and contrite, asking for forgiveness; he may shower her with gifts
• his behaviour is often described as being typical of a "little boy" who has done something wrong; he promises it will never happen again
• the batterer truly believes he can control himself and will never hurt the woman again
• a "cloak of silence" exists, where both deny and rationalize the battering stage; they don't discuss it with each other or with anyone else
• this affectionate period becomes an increasingly important factor in the denial of the violent episode
• denial helps convince the woman that the abuser "really loves her" or that the violence "isn't really him" and that he can change
• chances are that the batterer will not seek counselling if the woman stays with him
• the period of attraction varies in time and intensity
• it isn't long before the loving behaviour gives way to tension build up and the cycle is repeated